No Smiles?

Coding today, and I have some issues with unicode rendering in different browsers (mainly mobile), so I began trying to search for solutions, and if you ask google to find smiley faces, this happens:   Guess there aren’t any smiles around the world, and I shall set out to change this.  I also hear that there are competitions to see the lowest string length to generate zero and 1 result returned by Google.   Does this qualify for first place?  I will update once I get in contact with Google and see what we can get done.


jseko : jokes in no particular order

I originally posted this as “Jokes, in random order” to avoid giving the idea that one is/was better that the other.   Given that I am learning JS (JavaScript), I decided to write a snippet of code to determine the order of the jokes, and so I started with the word “jokes” to test the code.   The first successful scalable word/string and array scrambler made by me, produced j-seko, a word that sounds awesome when you are going to Mitch Hedberg someone.   Code is here below, followed by jokes, with better functionality and sortation as I write the code:
var string = prompt("String?");                 //Asks the User for a string to scramble
var stringArray = [];							    //stores the string in an array
var rArray = [];							    // an array with the string stored scrambled
var jArray = ["j1", "j2", "j3", "j4", "j5"];    // an Array of jokes
jArrayLength = jArray.length;                   // first jArray length
var newString = "";							    // string scrambled into a new string
var newJArray = [];                             //a scrambled array of jokes

function jokes() {
	for (var i = 0 ; i < string.length ; i++) {
		stringArray.push(string.charAt(i));
	}
	for (var j = 0 ; j < string.length ; j++) {
		var rndom = Math.floor(Math.random()*(stringArray.length));
		rArray.push(stringArray[rndom]);
		stringArray.splice(rndom, 1);
	}
	for (var k = 0 ; k < rArray.length ; k++) {
		newString += rArray[k];
	}
    for(var l = 0 ; l < jArrayLength ; l++) {
        var rndm = Math.floor(Math.random()*(jArray.length));
        newJArray.push(jArray[rndm]);
        jArray.splice(rndm,1);
    }
	console.log(newJArray);
	console.log(newString);
}

jokes();
– What do you call an Alligator in a vest? A: An Investigator A: A snappy dresser – What did the green grape say to the purple grape? A: BREATHE!! – What did the purple grape say to the green grape? A: Nothing, s/he couldn’t! – How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? A: Ten Tickles! – Why was 6 afraid 7? A: Because 7 8 9! A: Because 6 was a registered Six Offender. Why do we seagulls fly over the sea? A: Because if they flew over the bay they would be called bagels! How do you make an egg roll? A: You push it? What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock? A: Look Grandpa! No hands! – Roses are red, Violets are blue. Oh wait, no they’re not, They’re violet. – Roses are grey, Violets are grey, I am a dog. – Roses are red, Violets are blue, I am bad at rhyming, Refrigerator. – What is the difference between a blue fridge falling of a cliff, and a yellow one? A: The yellow one isn’t falling of a cliff A: The blue fridge is an appliance and the yellow one is a number – When is a door not a door? A: When it is a jar. – What is green and has four wheels? A: Grass, silly! I was just kidding about the wheels. *Requires a specific cadence to make authentic and appealing* – What is a pirate’s favorite letter (of the alphabet)? Typical response: “Rrrrrr” A: Oh you think it’s the Rrrrrr, but it’s really the Ceeeee. – What is the difference between a blue fridge falling of a cliff, and a yellow one? A: The yellow one isn’t falling of a cliff A: The blue fridge is an appliance and the yellow one is a number – Why did the baby cookie cry? A: Because his mother was a wafer so long. – What goes zzub zzub? A: A bee flying backwards – If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving’s not for you. – If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong. – At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog/cat that they are adopted? – At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell a highway it’s adopted? – Zach Galifianakis – Boycott shampoo! Demand the real poo! -Stephen Wright – Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana. – A magician was driving down the road when suddenly he turned into a driveway. – Got any figs? Response: No? Reply: How about a date then? – I used to be in a band, we were called ‘lost dog’. You probably saw our posters. – And then there was the agnostic dyslexic insomniac who stayed up all night wondering if there really is a dog. – Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a cool opotamus? – Have you seen the elephant hiding? A: Of course not, he’s hiding. – Don’t sweat the petty things, and don’t pet the sweaty things. – I entered 10 puns into a joke contest hoping one would win. No pun in ten did. – I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous. – Hedgehogs, why can’t they just share the hedge? – Venison’s dear isn’t it? – War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left. -What’s brown and sticky? A: A stick! – I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others. – Where does the three-legged horse live? A: In the unstable. – I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. – When is a lumberjack’s birthday? A: SepTIMBERRRRRRRR! – A one-armed guy goes to a 2nd-hand shop. – Two wrongs don’t make a right but three lefts do. – Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff. A: Ba-dun TSSH – I farted in an elevator once, it was wrong on so many levels. – I saw a stationary store moves. – Politics. – “What’s up?” A: A two letter word. – I’m hardly ever wrong. Except this one time, when I thought I was wrong, but I was wrong. – The early bird may catch the worm, but it’s the second mouse that gets the cheese. – The advantage of easy origami is two-folded. – I know a great knock-knock joke, but you have to start. – Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have. – Steven Wright – A termite walks into a bar and asks “Is the bartender here?” – Saw a man in a field tending to a little more than 3 sheep. Thought to myself “shepherd’s pi”. – Portholes are round so that if they break, water doesn’t hit you square in the face. – Did you hear about the fire at the circus? A: The heat was in tents! – If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it. – There’s no silent p in swimming. – I’m so bright my mom calls me “son”. – A rubber band pistol was confiscated in algebra class; it was a weapon of math disruption. *Requires a specific cadence to make authentic and appealing* – A 3-legged dog hops into a saloon and proclaims, “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw!” – My friends and I were playing poker with a giant set of cards. It was kind of a big deal. – Knock, knock. A: Come in! – “Did I already do my deja vu joke?” – Stewart Francis – Corduroy pillows….they’re making headlines all over the world. – I fought a bear with a knife once. The bear had the knife. – I used to play sports. Then I realized you could BUY trophies. Now I’m good at everything. – Demetri Martin – I didn’t like my haircut at first, but it’s growing on me. – “Snakes dont have arms, thats why they don’t wear vests.” – Toilet Stolen: Police have nothing to go on. – When I found out the toaster wasn’t waterproof, I was shocked. – I needed a password with eight characters, so I chose Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. – Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot them? – What is it about being blind, that makes you walk the dog all the time? – I have a cat in my pocket… Just kitten. – It’s a small world but I wouldn’t want to paint it. – Plate of spaghetti walks up to a bar, bartender says “we don’t serve food here.” – Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. – “If i had a dollar for every brain you didn’t have, I’d have one dollar” -squidword – Two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and asks “Do you know how to drive this thing?” – You’re going to have to start calling me “butter” because I’m on a roll. – what do you call someone who dosent fart in public? a private tooter – I used to work in a calendar factory but I got fired for taking a few days off. – I used to work in an orange juice factory but I got fired because I couldn’t concentrate. – A good pun is it’s own reword. – The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw. – What’s invisible and smells like a carrot? A: A rabbit’s toot. – I quit my job at the helium balloon factory, I refuse to be spoken to in that tone. – Two peanuts are walking down the street. One was a salted. – I have a CD Burner…my fireplace. – It’s one of those situations where you thought it was a booger, but it snot. – Cut that pizza into 4 slices… I’m not hungry enough to eat 6. – I used to play the trombone, but I’ve let it slide. – Where there’s a will, there are relatives. – A well done medium steak is rare. – Why did Snoop Dogg buy an umbrella? A: ForDrizzle – System.out.print(“Best one-liner”); – 1: Have you seen my henlay? 2: Whats a Henlay? 1: Eggs! – 1: Do you know where I can get some snoo? 2: What’s snoo? 1: Oh nothing much. What new with you? – 1: Have you seen my updog? 2: What is updog? 1: Oh nothing much. What new with you?  

Bahama’s Habitat

I have had the great pleasure to serve with the staff and volunteers of Bahamas Habitat for three years now.   They have a pretty awesome facility, staff, and service record for helping those in need, both with immediate needs, temporary service, and well designed permanent solutions to help the residences and communities of the Bahamas.  If you would like to contribute any financial or commentary support, please visit here to show your support.   They have financial and project need donations, so please peruse and see if you or someone in your circle may be able to help in any form or fashion.

From Stupidity to Sensibility

     So, during my exploration of what I think might be a good adventure and learning phase, I decided to get into the tree climbing business for around $350 including the chainsaw, harness, spikes, rope, and various other items one would never imagine are required to fell (yet another conspiracy of those who control the English language to limit others from understanding it as one stumbles upon its idiosyncrasies) a tree ….. safely. Well within about five trees, I decided to help a friend out who had a dying tree that was struck by lighting that could potentially land on her house and making it two. In my never ending foolishness to help those in need, I quickly signed up to tackle this:

     One might think this is easy, but when it is already too close to the house, and you are a rookie, you don’t want it to fall/fell the wrong way, so I decided to top it from top to bottom, by climbing to the (relative) top and chopping off manageable portions and work down.   well it was so tall:

that I burned all of my energy climbing it, and once at the top realized it was well over 25, 50, and 100 feet (my guess around 120 feet – you be the judge – you might have to click on it to open in a new window for scaling to see me at the top). Thanks to a many calm breaths and 20 some odd minutes sitting in my rest harness, I talked myself out of calling for help, realizing that most likely the fire department couldn’t help and would just laugh and point. So I eventually worked slowly down piece by piece until no tree was left, carefully cutting it to fall further in the woods, and not in her yard or toward her house (Thanks to her neighbor for the pics) :

     A few months off, I have resorted to helping another friend accomplish a meager (meagle for Molly) 10-ish foot tree, infected with kudzu, and burned the roots and ground to hopefully prevent future growth:

   


Neon Cross – No, Not Neon Trees

This took a while to design and make, but in many eyes, well worth it.   With loads of help from Dwight Hartsell and GA, it was first turned into an elongated pill which was ripped in two, planed, and each cut in half, all from a leftover piece of wood from an altar made by Dwight.   We then removed the inside with a table saw (next time we will go with a router), and mitered the two halves and glued them together to from the basis cross.  We then routed out “L” at each corner for metal brackets for each support, that way it would be flush with the cross and not block more light.  Once finished we sanded and put a light spray-on lacquer for protection and to bring out the wood grain.   From there we made a copy of the cavity and the exterior on paper, and made the neon cross, with the face side towards the wall-to-be. to ensure the most light going out the back, with the electrodes closest to the wood.  Brackets, drilling, and mounting, and a bit of electricity makes it shine! (of course, click to enlarge) In the sign business, this is referred to as a Channel Letter, much like Walgreen’s, CVS/pharmacy, and many other business signs in which they can not be lit with straight light bulbs given the design.  Even though I have been working in a commercial fabrication shop for around 5 years, and have seen and been fascinated by many signs, inspiration for this idea did not come from the idea of a channel letter, but from my member cross that was given to me by Dwight, and which has hung on my bedroom wall since.  His is a much simpler version of just two plain rectangular pieces of wood humbly crossed together using a lap joint.  Staring at this for years, one day/night in low light, I thought it might look neat to have it back-lit with the light coming out of the sides.