Salty Nutella Thumbprint Cookies

Salty Nutella Cookies

Prep time:
Cook time:
Total time:
Serves: 35 cookies
Ingredients
  • 2 c flour
  • 1 c plus 1T unsweetened dark cocoa powder
  • 2t kosher salt
  • 2 sticks butter, at a very soft room temperature
  • 1 1/3 c sugar, plus 1/2 cup for finishing
  • 2 large egg yolks, at room temperature
  • 2T heavy cream
  • 2t vanilla extract
  • 1 c Nutella
Instructions
  1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Line two baking sheets with parchment paper.
  2. Whisk together flour, cocoa powder and salt in small bowl.
  3. Combine the butter and 1 1/3 c of sugar and beat for 2 minutes on low speed, until fluffy. Add egg yolks, cream and vanilla; beat on low speed until combined.
  4. Add flour mix and beat until incorporated.
  5. For each cookie, shape a heaping tablespoon of dough into a ball and roll it in the remaining sugar to coat. Space balls 2 inches apart on baking sheets, then use your thumb to make an indentation in the top of each cookie.
  6. Bake 10 minutes or until the edges are just set; the tops of the cookies will be soft. If indentations have lost definition, press centers again immediately after removing from oven. Transfer to cooling rack. Pipe or spoon the Nutella into the center of each cookie while cookie are still slightly warm.
  7. Yield 30-35 cookies

 

Sausage & Lentil and Spinach & Mushroom stuffed shells

Sausage & Lentil and Spinach & Mushroom stuffed shells

Author: Chris Frisina
Prep time:
Cook time:
Total time:
Serves: 6
Stuffed shells served two ways: sausage and lentils, or spinach and mushrooms, hopefully you serve together.
Ingredients
  • 1 pound pork sausage (4 – 6 non-breakfast links skins removed, or ground)
  • 1 onion and 6 shallots or 12 shallots
  • 1 TBLS Dijon Mustard
  • 2 TBLS White wine (your preference)
  • 1.5 cups Lentils (green are heartier, and red fall apart easier, but whichever you prefer)
  • 1 lb pasta shells (medium or large)
  • 2 cups Parmesan
  • 2 cups Ricotta
  • 2 cups Mozzarella
  • SPINACH ALTERNATIVE:
  • use 10 oz of chopped spinach instead of sausage
  • AND 1 Pound of mushrooms, chopped
  • Use a white cream sauce instead of red on top for final plating.
Instructions
  1. Cook the lentils (presoak overnight if need be, or pressure cook day of)
  2. Brown the Pork, and after your cook it, make sure you mince/chop it again, as pork likes to shrink and stick together, not fall apart as easily a beef.
  3. Cook the pasta shells and drain.
  4. Preheat oven to 350.
  5. Mix the cheeses together, adjusting Ricotta amount to get a formable cheese.
  6. Saute the shallots, dijon, white wine, then add the chopped pork and stir.
  7. Place the lentils/pork mixture in one side of the shell, and an equal or lesser amount of cheese mixture on the other side.
  8. Bake the shells on a cookie sheet, until the cheese melts, about 10 minutes.
  9. Serve with your favorite pasta (red recommended) on top.

 

Spicy Honey Brushed Chicken Thighs

Honey Brushed Chicken Thighs
Recipe Type: Entree, Appetiser
Author: David Bonom, Cooking Light
Prep time: 5 mins
Cook time: 13 mins
Total time: 18 mins
Serves: 4 (2 thighs each)
A very healthy and fast way to eat chicken.
Ingredients
  • 2 tsp garlic powder
  • 2 tsp chili powder
  • 1 tsp salt
  • 1 tsp ground cumin
  • 1 tsp paprika
  • 1/2 tsp ground red pepper
  • 8 skinless, boneless chicken thighs
  • Cooking spray
  • 6 TBLS honey
  • 2 tsp cider vinegar
Instructions
  1. Preheat broiler.
  2. Combine first 6 ingredients in a large bowl.
  3. Add chicken to bowl; toss to coat. (String feedback that it is better to sprinkle on both sides and massage/press it onto the chicken than just coat/toss)
  4. Place chicken on a broiler pan coated with cooking spray. Broil chicken 5 minutes on each side.
  5. Combine honey and vinegar in a small bowl, stirring well. Remove chicken from oven; brush 1/4 cup honey mixture on chicken. Broil 1 minute. Remove chicken from oven and turn over. Brush chicken with remaining honey mixture. Broil 1 additional minute or until chicken is done.
Notes

If you brush additional honey sauce after you broil the chicken, make sure that you don’t use contaminated sauce, so plan ahead.

 

No Smiles?

Coding today, and I have some issues with unicode rendering in different browsers (mainly mobile), so I began trying to search for solutions, and if you ask google to find smiley faces, this happens:

 

Guess there aren’t any smiles around the world, and I shall set out to change this.  I also hear that there are competitions to see the lowest string length to generate zero and 1 result returned by Google.   Does this qualify for first place?  I will update once I get in contact with Google and see what we can get done.

Marinara Sauce

Italian Marinara
Author: Frisina Family
Prep time: 5 mins
Cook time: 30 mins
Total time: 35 mins
Serves: 3 servings
A classic marinara for pasta
Ingredients
  • 1 medium onion, diced
  • 2 cloves garlic, minced
  • 1 can crushed tomatoes (28 oz) (RedPack preferably)
  • 1 tsp salt
  • 12 drops of hot sauce (tabasco preferably)
  • 4 sprigs fresh parsley
  • 1 tsp each oregano basil
  • 2 TBLS olive oil
Instructions
  1. Saute oil, onion, garlic over medium heat.
  2. Add the spices towards the end of sauteing.
  3. Add the tomatoes and stir.
  4. Bring to a boil.
  5. Simmer for 25 minutes, and serve.

 

The ¿First? Interactive Resume

In the ever competing market to compete against other worthy candidates is a gut crushing dialogue when you have morals, and try to answer a loaded question with succinct precision in your personal voice during an interview.  In a recruiter saturated IT job market, their financial incentives, and the inherent abstraction layer between employers and unwanted new hires, the end is likely improbable.   Couple that with unorganized and inexperienced HR recruiters, morally absent HR policies, and you have a cumbersome and seemingly unnavigable crack that tests your interpersonal wit.  Don’t forget the fear of pushing back or identifying issues in any manner could likely eliminate yourself as a candidate (although some employers are open to criticism), before you even get a chance to discuss the opportunity with the hiring manager.    I want to cut through the majority of the hiring process, and work backwards, especially in the IT market.    While the several layers of abstraction between candidates and the decision maker are purposeful for filtering the candidates in a legally sound ‘equal’ fashion, it truly produces more work than necessary for the company, and certainly provides several tests for candidates at accommodating pedantic and  repetitive requests for information.    I am not discounting that certain questions provide insight for an HR perspective to the quality of a candidate, however, other judgements about a candidate are made by a reviewer are mostly influenced by their own biases, often formed by their work environment.  One very difficult factor to ameliorate that comes from this structure is quickly identifying what is important to the person reviewing your information, and providing that information, without anything that they are not interested in, in a positive presentation. So I set out to address this.  With well over 200 conversations ( a majority of those consisting of cold call recruiters ) or interviews about potential job opportunities in a matter of months, I have moved from one implementation to another to try to accomodate the different requests in a timely [for me] manner, so not to let the process of finding a new opportunity overwhelm my life.   I first started with several different resumes, comprising of different content highlighting different facets within my skill sets, so I could send one ‘Project Management” resume for PM jobs, or a Network Administrator resume for a similar position.   This was disastrous, as each of those positions have typical inclusions and formats, and I wanted try to fit everything relevant on one page (An argument as old as resumes exist, but one that I think is important, as the resume will get you the interview, your resume just has to stand out among the rest).   It quickly became a content management nightmare.   My next attempt used LaTeX (pronounced lah -tech, not like latex gloves) markup language to make a *Master* file, and comment lines of content in and out to quickly generate a resume with the relevant information.  This proved a much more organized implementation, however, LaTeX is 90% formatting and 10% content, and with different company HR policies requiring different information, when the content changed, the layout could not always adapt.     I don’t know LaTeX well enough to accomodate that, and from my research, most of the online communities I reached out to did not offer enough relevant solutions.    I then provided another layer abstraction to accomodate the content from the layout.    I used Adobe Illustrator to handle the layout, and the LaTeX markup for the content management.   Once I knew the required information from the company, I could use the LaTeX (notepad, XML, Word, or excel could all have worked as well if you want to replicate this idea and are unfamiliar with LaTeX) to provide a similar group of content, and place it in a text field for WYSIWYG layout manipulation within Illustrator ( a very key point, as Illustrator does not have the easiest text formatting, or the best spell checker, and is absent of live misspelling notification such as a red underline).   Here is an example.  This proved a good stepping stone, with a minor issue, keeping track of what I had sent out.   A special character (!@#$%^&*) appended to the end of the file name allowed for a camouflaged version tracking, as some recruiters would manipulate the layout, as they standardize their referrals, completely undermining my attempt to have a uniquely designed resume.  This increased my interviews at least by 2 fold, however, given that the majority of the position that were open that I was qualified for were in the technical IT field, my non-traditional experience was the number one deterrent for employers, either flat out unwilling, or in contract driven environments, could not afford the perceived ramp-up time given to a Jr employee.   So the next thing to combat was that I can represent myself in a technical way when presenting myself, especially among the many fields I work in.

While contemplating a solution, I was reminded of my intro to communication theory class, where one interpersonal communication assumption is that there are six influences during a conversation between two people.  The first two are easily pointed out.  With two people, A and B, each person’s individual dialogue to the other, A to B, and B to A.   The next two you might know of as well, each person’s assumption of the other’s identity/projection, better said “what you think the other is thinking about.”  These two are A’s assumption about what B is thinking about, and B’s assumption about what A is thinking about.  The third is somewhat difficult to grasp without seeming repetitious, but is each person’s assumption of the other’s assumption about themselves: A’s assumption about what B is thinking about A, and B’s assumption about what A is thinking about B.  Those who understand these elements and employ observance, empathy, and other social mechanics are generally better at interpersonal communication. When this is applied to the resume situation, I quickly understood that when I present a resume to a potential employer, I am initially providing information based on my assumptions of what they want to know about a qualified candidate, in a concrete form.  This could (and I would argue has in my own interactions) violated some of their assumptions and thus cost me progression in the interview process, as they are looking for a candidate of type X, and I provided them a resume that they see of as type Y.    If I had an interactive resume, which could present all information requested to one person to accomodate their needs/wants, while allowing for another person with completely different assumptions about a qualified candidate to collect the information needed, I would be closer to accommodating the different reviewers and positions.   Customized interactivity is best accomplished using computers, and since I am trying to show my ability to develop relevant solutions without being a expert in one language or implementation, I did a quick proof of concept (here), then after some consultation, I chose a common web implementation stack of JS, CSS, HTML, and JQuery to handle an interactive Resume Builder, that would highlight the many different facets and skills that I have, presented in a fashion that would allow for a well rounded initial representation of myself.  About a month into learning JS, a friend who helped mentor me in computer programming, crawled upon this gem of an article, helping solidify my reasoning for doing this project.

My solution, as I consider myself a junior developer at the time of writing this, is relevant in attempting to enter the developer community and IT field, as most of my prior solutions are either proprietary, out of date, or not in a developer team environment.    Being top down oriented makes it easy to learn associated technologies to develop relavant solution for the problems I face, however, given that my background is not solely technology based, my segue into the IT field has not presented the chance to work on a development team, something that is required for developing larger scale solutions, as well as becoming more skilled.  I think that representing myself in a visual manner in an implementation that is relevant to the field helps set myself above other entry or junior level candidates.   Other benefits of the online resume include the ease of updating content, somewhat ease of the format and interaction [given JQuery], 24×7 access and distribution, and of course, the user gets to generate appropriate content, as well as the ability for quick explanations via hovering, links, or lists.  One key disadvantage of this implementation is that it could inhibit the potential employer from seeing me as dedicated to a particular field that I have presented myself in, especially in the IT field where so many are queens or kings in their particular field, and I appear to have dabbled or abandoned certain technologies, sectors, or fields.  While I have attempted to provide the few abstract roles that I have had, I could see that some people reviewing the resume would prefer a template for a given field, so persistent options, PDF and .doc(x) conversions will come soon.  I honor feedback (Email, [follow_me]) and will definitely have to adapt this form of my resume to accomodate the different functionality that is to come, but with time, feedback, and involvement, it will surely move forward through the SDLC.

Here is the interactive resume. Credit must be given to JSFIDDLEStackOverflow, and github.   The repository to view past versions and releases is here.

Sticks and Stones and Acceptance through Innovation

      I was driving the other day, presumably not as fast as I should have been in the left lane on a major highway, when Charlie and Bernadette in a mid 90s Toyota Tercel decided to David Blaine me, and all of a sudden they were directly behind me. As you know, often when this happens, there is no easy immediate remediation.  This was true in my case. With no way to move over one lane to the right and let them pass, not willing at that time to crash into the concrete barrier to the left, or speed up to get over seemed inefficient in my truck who happens to also be dinosaur juice thirsty, I decided to continue my course, and slowly advance  past the vehicle on my right to move over and let Charlie and his female companion pass. Charlie must have needed McD’s french fries from the next state over, and could not wait, and decided to ease off the pedal, in order to speed past myself and two cars to my right, each in their own respective lanes, and then cross all the way back to the left lane, as quick as you can spell Jiminy Cricket without a smart phone or Wikipedia.   This is where he brought out the real David Copperfield magic.  While quickly moving back left across the lanes in front of the other vehicles, he decided to initiate a direct line of communication with me and gave the middle talon of his tercel (- a variant spelling of tiercel, a male bird hawk – honestly had to look up what a tercel was, but I thought it was an appropriate commonality given what I am about to discuss), in effect giving me the bird.  We have all seen an angry driver at least once, but Charlie wanted to distinguish himself from those other angry drivers, and to do so, as he passed the far right car, he maintained that middle finger all the way until he was in front of me by adjusting the orientation of his wrist to direct it at me, and then continued as he extended his lead for the next half mile or so.    I wanted to acknowledge Charlie that I had received his message from the beginning, but how? He’s already driving in front of me, and isn’t going to slow down, so the gears in my head changed from whatever thoughts they were on, to my new problem: communicate back to Charlie (and possibly Bernadette) that the message was received, and reply with an appropriate response.  Here are some of my thoughts :

– I could reply with the very common “honk” either short or long, however there are many problems with this particular recourse.   While Charlie and Bernadette would likely acknowledge that I am communicating with them,  what about the other drivers on the highway, as they would be alerted, and to what?  (BTW, I would love to draft legislature to eliminate any radio from playing any semblance of a siren in any song or commercial, as I am often falsely caught off guard and react for no reason, occasionally dangerously with no consensus from other drivers in the vicinity , regardless of the volume of the radio.)   Assuming that Charlie and Bernadette do hear my horn, what is it that they perceive my message to be, as most people do not know Morse code (excluding the common SOS · · · — — — · · ·).   Would they think I am trying to say something vulgar, happy, or tell them one of my favorite jokes.   Let’s also look at honking in other situations, the common “HEY, I’m at your house, come outside, we are ready to go!” or “Look up, the light is green!” or one of the many other quick responses that are generally accepted and understood within those specific situations.   However, the icing on the cake with replying with a honk or series of honks would be that this form of communication is not even limited between humans.    Be reminded that we often use this sporadic tone to inform animals in streets to get out of the way, namely dogs (presumably the unintelligent ones) and ducks/geese/other winged Aves (I would argue actually smart, just unimpressed by our limited individual transportation capabilities).   So given the honk, I could not communicate anything effectively or specifically to Charlie.

– So I also thought that I could race up behind or beside CaB and begin a conversation, or reply with an angered yell, however, my time is precious, and ultimately my exit was in about two miles, leaving little possibility for this to occur, let alone performing this safely.   I also would admit that sometimes my brain gets jumbled when I get flustered, so concentrating on what to say exactly or be prepared for potential replies, it seemed unlikely given the time constraint.   So any form of immediate vocal followup seemed unlikely.

– An eye for an eye, ah Ha! I had it, I could show him my own bird!  But what would this accomplish?  He may not even see it, being in the rear view mirror and everything, and I doubt he would have wanted to look in his right side mirror, as it would have been closer than appeared.   Don’t forget he is speeding past me, so it is unlikely he is concentrating with much effort on the things behind him, other than to orient his hand in my direction.  What about another hand gesture(s).   Two handed manipulations are out, as I only save those for when I need to drink a soda, talk on the phone, shift gears, and control my speed, and I don’t have any another limbs to spare.    So limited to one hand, and since I only know a bit of ASL, and no other dialect of sign language (yes there is French [similar], British [different] and many others) , I began to think……

      Remember I am trying to achieve true communication: willfully acknowledge Charlie’s gesture and it’s generally accepted implicit meaning, include my own relevant comment, and have it understood by Charlie.  Alas, I have traveled about a mile and can see the exit that I need to take (“take,” because  “get on” or “get off” seem to both work, but are inherently opposite.).  Presto, I came up with a sign that is appropriate, but wasn’t sure if it was perfect, and I had to start moving to the right. Yes, within the last mile or less I started exiting from the left lane, sue me, I was thinking this awesome reply up.  So here it is, and I call it Acceptance, named for many reasons, but especially from a class I took where for a semester I studied the differences of Tolerance and Acceptance. 

       Once I had it imagined, in my head, I wasn’t sure it was valid or unique, so I started thinking of other common hand gestures and imagined these:

Hello Wave

Bull Horns International Peace I Love You
Spock Shaka – Hang loose Weird people who count to 3

However, after making sure not to replicate some other common signed gesture, I was now at the exit and had to begin to turn off.   I failed at replying to Charlie, but I continued developing a response, as I could easily perceive this being relavant later in my life.  However, now I realized that I had not remembered, despite being in my view for almost a mile, whether or not Charlie had decided to include his thumb with his gesture, and that meant I had to accompany either/all gestures for future situations, so I decided to expand my new found love:

Given (pictures under description): Complemented by Returned Gesture:
Left Handed Bird with Talon: Left Handed Acceptance WITHOUT Thumb
Left Handed Bird without Talon: Left Handed Acceptance WITH Thumb
Right Handed Bird with Talon: Right Handed Acceptance WITHOUT Thumb
Right Handed Bird without Talon: Right Handed Acceptance WITH Thumb

Be careful to notice that I have inverted the Acceptance hand to accomodate and “accept” the bird, giving it a nest or roof or whatever, and also the inclusion or omittance of the thumb, to complement the absence or presence (respectively) of the bird’s talon. I think it is a relavant reply that both acknowledges the gesture and replies in a non violent way that the gesture is not as offensive as the giver had intended it to be. While the message may not be received as such, it is an attempt to accept others, in their actions and of their selves. So next time you are slightly offended that someone is trying to incite a brash response from you, try Acceptance, and see what it will get you, hopefully a smile 🙂

 

“Put up your peace sign, put your index down” – Busta Rhymes from Peace Sign/Index Down with Gym Class Heroes Album : The Quilt Track : 2

jseko : jokes in no particular order

I originally posted this as “Jokes, in random order” to avoid giving the idea that one is/was better that the other.   Given that I am learning JS (JavaScript), I decided to write a snippet of code to determine the order of the jokes, and so I started with the word “jokes” to test the code.   The first successful scalable word/string and array scrambler made by me, produced j-seko, a word that sounds awesome when you are going to Mitch Hedberg someone.   Code is here below, followed by jokes, with better functionality and sortation as I write the code:

var string = prompt("String?");                 //Asks the User for a string to scramble
var stringArray = [];							    //stores the string in an array
var rArray = [];							    // an array with the string stored scrambled
var jArray = ["j1", "j2", "j3", "j4", "j5"];    // an Array of jokes
jArrayLength = jArray.length;                   // first jArray length
var newString = "";							    // string scrambled into a new string
var newJArray = [];                             //a scrambled array of jokes

function jokes() {
	for (var i = 0 ; i < string.length ; i++) {
		stringArray.push(string.charAt(i));
	}
	for (var j = 0 ; j < string.length ; j++) {
		var rndom = Math.floor(Math.random()*(stringArray.length));
		rArray.push(stringArray[rndom]);
		stringArray.splice(rndom, 1);
	}
	for (var k = 0 ; k < rArray.length ; k++) {
		newString += rArray[k];
	}
    for(var l = 0 ; l < jArrayLength ; l++) {
        var rndm = Math.floor(Math.random()*(jArray.length));
        newJArray.push(jArray[rndm]);
        jArray.splice(rndm,1);
    }
	console.log(newJArray);
	console.log(newString);
}

jokes();

– What do you call an Alligator in a vest?
A: An Investigator
A: A snappy dresser
– What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
A: BREATHE!!
– What did the purple grape say to the green grape?
A: Nothing, s/he couldn’t!
– How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
A: Ten Tickles!
– Why was 6 afraid 7?
A: Because 7 8 9!
A: Because 6 was a registered Six Offender.
Why do we seagulls fly over the sea?
A: Because if they flew over the bay they would be called bagels!
How do you make an egg roll?
A: You push it?
What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock?
A: Look Grandpa! No hands!
– Roses are red, Violets are blue. Oh wait, no they’re not, They’re violet.
– Roses are grey, Violets are grey, I am a dog.
– Roses are red, Violets are blue, I am bad at rhyming, Refrigerator.
– What is the difference between a blue fridge falling of a cliff, and a yellow one?
A: The yellow one isn’t falling of a cliff
A: The blue fridge is an appliance and the yellow one is a number
– When is a door not a door?
A: When it is a jar.
– What is green and has four wheels?
A: Grass, silly! I was just kidding about the wheels.
*Requires a specific cadence to make authentic and appealing*
– What is a pirate’s favorite letter (of the alphabet)?
Typical response: “Rrrrrr”
A: Oh you think it’s the Rrrrrr, but it’s really the Ceeeee.
– What is the difference between a blue fridge falling of a cliff, and a yellow one?
A: The yellow one isn’t falling of a cliff
A: The blue fridge is an appliance and the yellow one is a number
– Why did the baby cookie cry?
A: Because his mother was a wafer so long.
– What goes zzub zzub?
A: A bee flying backwards
– If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving’s not for you.
– If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
– At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog/cat that they are adopted?
– At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell a highway it’s adopted? – Zach Galifianakis
– Boycott shampoo! Demand the real poo! -Stephen Wright
– Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
– A magician was driving down the road when suddenly he turned into a driveway.
– Got any figs?
Response: No?
Reply: How about a date then?
– I used to be in a band, we were called ‘lost dog’. You probably saw our posters.
– And then there was the agnostic dyslexic insomniac who stayed up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
– Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a cool opotamus?
– Have you seen the elephant hiding?
A: Of course not, he’s hiding.
– Don’t sweat the petty things, and don’t pet the sweaty things.
– I entered 10 puns into a joke contest hoping one would win. No pun in ten did.
– I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
– Hedgehogs, why can’t they just share the hedge?
– Venison’s dear isn’t it?
– War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
-What’s brown and sticky?
A: A stick!
– I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.
– Where does the three-legged horse live?
A: In the unstable.
– I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
– When is a lumberjack’s birthday?
A: SepTIMBERRRRRRRR!
– A one-armed guy goes to a 2nd-hand shop.
– Two wrongs don’t make a right but three lefts do.
– Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff.
A: Ba-dun TSSH
– I farted in an elevator once, it was wrong on so many levels.
– I saw a stationary store moves.
– Politics.
– “What’s up?”
A: A two letter word.
– I’m hardly ever wrong. Except this one time, when I thought I was wrong, but I was wrong.
– The early bird may catch the worm, but it’s the second mouse that gets the cheese.
– The advantage of easy origami is two-folded.
– I know a great knock-knock joke, but you have to start.
– Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have. – Steven Wright
– A termite walks into a bar and asks “Is the bartender here?”
– Saw a man in a field tending to a little more than 3 sheep. Thought to myself “shepherd’s pi”.
– Portholes are round so that if they break, water doesn’t hit you square in the face.
– Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
A: The heat was in tents!
– If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
– There’s no silent p in swimming.
– I’m so bright my mom calls me “son”.
– A rubber band pistol was confiscated in algebra class; it was a weapon of math disruption.
*Requires a specific cadence to make authentic and appealing*
– A 3-legged dog hops into a saloon and proclaims, “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw!”
– My friends and I were playing poker with a giant set of cards. It was kind of a big deal.
– Knock, knock.
A: Come in!
– “Did I already do my deja vu joke?” – Stewart Francis
– Corduroy pillows….they’re making headlines all over the world.
– I fought a bear with a knife once.
The bear had the knife.
– I used to play sports. Then I realized you could BUY trophies. Now I’m good at everything. – Demetri Martin
– I didn’t like my haircut at first, but it’s growing on me.
– “Snakes dont have arms, thats why they don’t wear vests.”
– Toilet Stolen: Police have nothing to go on.
– When I found out the toaster wasn’t waterproof, I was shocked.
– I needed a password with eight characters, so I chose Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.
– Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot them?
– What is it about being blind, that makes you walk the dog all the time?
– I have a cat in my pocket… Just kitten.
– It’s a small world but I wouldn’t want to paint it.
– Plate of spaghetti walks up to a bar, bartender says “we don’t serve food here.”
– Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
– “If i had a dollar for every brain you didn’t have, I’d have one dollar” -squidword
– Two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and asks “Do you know how to drive this thing?”
– You’re going to have to start calling me “butter” because I’m on a roll.
– what do you call someone who dosent fart in public? a private tooter
– I used to work in a calendar factory but I got fired for taking a few days off.
– I used to work in an orange juice factory but I got fired because I couldn’t concentrate.
– A good pun is it’s own reword.
– The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.
– What’s invisible and smells like a carrot?
A: A rabbit’s toot.
– I quit my job at the helium balloon factory, I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.
– Two peanuts are walking down the street. One was a salted.
– I have a CD Burner…my fireplace.
– It’s one of those situations where you thought it was a booger, but it snot.
– Cut that pizza into 4 slices… I’m not hungry enough to eat 6.
– I used to play the trombone, but I’ve let it slide.
– Where there’s a will, there are relatives.
– A well done medium steak is rare.
– Why did Snoop Dogg buy an umbrella?
A: ForDrizzle
– System.out.print(“Best one-liner”);
– 1: Have you seen my henlay?
2: Whats a Henlay?
1: Eggs!
– 1: Do you know where I can get some snoo?
2: What’s snoo?
1: Oh nothing much. What new with you?
– 1: Have you seen my updog?
2: What is updog?
1: Oh nothing much. What new with you?

 

Poultry Brine

Large Scale Poultry Brine
Recipe Type: Brine, Poultry
Author: Chris Frisina
Prep time: 20 mins
Total time: 20 mins
Serves: 175 lbs of poultry
This will brine poultry for Frying (deep or pan), Baking, Grilling, Smoking, or Braising. It is around a 5-7% salt solution, so if you would like more or less, adjust accordingly, but don’t forget to adjust your brine time as well.
Ingredients
  • 1 gallon apple cider vinegar
  • .5 gallon apple juice
  • .5 gallon orange juice
  • 10 lemons // Juice and Chop
  • 10 limes // Juice and Chop
  • 3 lbs onions, skins removed // rough chop all of these
  • 3 red hot chili peppers //
  • 3 jalepenos //
  • 15 oz soy sauce
  • 4 lbs sugar // this equates to roughly 7.5 cups each
  • 4 lbs table salt (non-iodized) //
  • 5 cups pepper
  • 2 bunches cilantro
  • 1 bunch thyme
  • 1 bunch rosemary
  • 1 bunch parsley
  • 16 oz minced garlic
  • 9 gallons water
Instructions
  1. To dissolve the sugar and salt, heat enough water to start dissolving the water.
  2. Rough chop the peppers, onions, herbs, and fruit
  3. add all ingredients, except the remaining water to a pot, and stir
  4. *OPTIONAL* Heat to medium high heat (~150F) for 5 mins, then cool *
  5. Add remaining water
  6. Immerse poultry in brine, in container(s)
  7. Let sit in a refrigerator for 12 hours or more, preferably not to exceed 18 hours, and definitely not to exceed 24 hours.
Notes

* A Bunch of herbs is at least 2″ in diameter
* With regarding containers:
-If you do this in one large container, beware that it is heavy
-Otherwise use smaller containers and evenly separate the chicken, brine,and herbs/veggies/fruit among the containers

For a smaller recipe, to make a gallon of brine:

13oz apple cider vinegar (upwards of 20% on smaller brine times less than 3 hours)
6 oz apple juice
6 oz orange juice
2 oz soy sauce
1 lemon                                                                                      // Juice and Chop
1 lime                                                                                          // Juice and Chop
.5 lbs onions, skins removed                                               // rough chop all of these
1 red hot chili pepper (scale at .5 every gallon after 1) //
1 jalepeno (scale at .5 every gallon after 1)                     //
.25 bunch cilantro
.4 lbs sugar                                                                               // this equates to roughly .75 cups
.4 lbs table salt (non-iodized)                                             //
.5 cups pepper
.125 bunch thyme
.125 bunch rosemary
.125 bunch parsley
1.5 oz minced garlic
1 gallon water